“Tell the truth about what’s working and what isn’t.”
This advice is from a financial book I’ve been reading. However, I see it as wisdom to share for any part of my life. I like that the question is balanced. What’s working? What isn’t? Simple, direct, without blame, no value judgment.
My answer surprised me.
That’s what’s not working for me right now in my life. It’s not working for me, and it’s very annoying. I have a pair on that I knew were tight, and I still put them on today. I haven’t thrown out the tight underwear in my dresser they continue to hang out there taking up drawer space, daily reminders of change. I’ve gained weight, and the indentations from the waistband around my middle remind me.
I was at the doctor Monday afternoon for my annual physical, within 5 seconds of being in the room the nurse had me step on the scale. I thought maybe I had gone up a few pounds; I knew my clothes were a little tight, but I wasn’t expecting double-digit increase. (Damn) I don’t have a scale at home. I can’t play the game that muscle weighs more than fat, that worked when I was doing daily vinyasa yoga and on my mat 90 minutes a day. That was then, and that isn’t now.
I even wore the tight underwear to my doctor’s appointment. It’s as if I ‘m intentionally putting salt in a wound to punish myself for the changes my body is going through in my peri -menopausal phase.
I’m annoyed I’ve gained weight, I’m annoyed I haven’t changed my behavior but what annoys me the most is my stubbornness to not accept change. Gaining weight can often be a side effect of menopause, our bodies change over time, stronger, weaker, thinner, fatter, shape shifting.
The reality is my body is doing its own thing, and that means change. Change is affecting my reality, and that feels difficult today.
I ran into an old friend a few days ago; he’s a few years older than me, he’s studied Eastern Philosophy, he also teaches meditation, it’s a subject we usually end up referencing somewhere in our discussions. I shared my frustration with being so resistant to change.
“I should know better by now,” I said. ”I’ve been a meditator for more than 12 plus years; I can’t believe I am so stubborn and so resistant to change, this shouldn’t be so hard”.
“Only 12 years Maria?” He replied with humor in his eyes.
I pause and listen to what he has just said.
Got it, Yep.
I keep thinking I’m done with a concept, resistance, been there done that, frustration, got it, mastered that one too….that’s the illusion. So annoyed that I get caught in the illusion. And so silly to think I’m above the illusion that I wouldn’t get caught. We don’t ever finish, and we aren’t ever done.
Yes, I can throw out the tight underwear, and I can also throw out all I believe that goes with a certain underwear size, and but it isn’t really about the tight underwear, it’s about change. Change is harder when we have created an identity behind it.
Change means saying goodbye to one thing and saying hello to another thing.
Resistance is my teacher.
I can try something else on for size.